Welp. It's been a hot minute since I wrote anything at all. And now you're receiving this.
This blog post is a post without an ending. I'm just going to go ahead and tell you that up front. There's no ending because I have no answer. If you're looking for perfect exegetical reasoning, this blog isn't for you either. There's no perfect reasoning, no answers, because I'm still praying through it. Still processing it for myself as l live this life on the mission field. Still trying to comprehend an incomprehensible God and how I fit into His grand plans (but that's a blog post for another day). So, let's get started:
"I know I know, I need to have grace, die to myself, and..."
Go ahead and fill in the blank.
I have both heard and said this same statement more times than I can count over the last several months on the field. People use it for every range of activity that you can imagine. I don't think the sentiment is bad: we should definitely extend grace and there are definitely times we need to die to our own wills, but I can't help but to ponder. Why is it that each time I find myself in a situation where I'm saying "I need to die to myself," it's in an effort to invalidate my feelings, trample my own boundaries for the sake of others, or justify (what I consider) someone else's poor action?
The more I hear the phrase, the more I discuss it with friends and mentors alike, the more it bothers me. Or more accurately, our use of it bothers me. Where did we (i.e. the general church culture) take this theological principle and warp it to mean "I don't get to be hurt, upset, or angry about anything." When did dying to myself so that I may live in the Spirit of Christ become "don't be human."
From what I can find in my well worn, pen notated, highlighter crazy bible (like I said we're not doing a full exegetical study here, come on- this is a blog post) the connotations associated with the popular "die to myself" mentality are rooted in solid passages of scripture. You can find portions about it in the sermon's of Jesus, the writing of John, and the apostle Paul. I don't have time to cover them all, so feel free to check out portions of all four of the Gospels, Galatians, and 1 Corinthians 15 on your own, but for now let's just pass right along to one of the big ones:
Romans 6: (v 4- 14): Â We were buried therefore with Him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. (5) For if we have been united with Him in a death like His, we shall certainly be united with Him in a resurrection like His. (6) We know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. (7) For one who has died has been set free from sin. (8) Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with Him. (9) We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over Him. (10) For the death He died He died to sin, once for all, but the life He lives He lives to God. (11) So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. (12) Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. (13) Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. (14) For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.
Wait.
Hold Up.
Are we reading the same passage? With the exception of maybe Galatians 15 where Paul says the physical words "I die daily," none of these passages de facto affirm the notions of:
"I need to die to myself so that person feels good." -or-
"I need to die to myself because experiencing anger is sin." -or-
"I need to die to myself and ignore my boundaries because having them is an inconvenience to other people." -or-
"I need to die to myself because my feelings don't ever matter."
So, I guess what I'm trying to process is this:
My order is to daily pick up the cross (Matthew 16:24-25) and die to myself in the realms of my sin. To die to my past, the pressures of the world, to selfish desire, to pride, lust, shame, and so much more so that I can draw nearer to Him and walk, fully living, in grace as an example of the marvelous wonder of the Creator of the world.
I don't ascribe to the philosophical stance of complete relativity, so I believe there are indeed rights and wrongs. I believe there is sin, biblically mandated for us to "die to" within our lives. I believe that we are to imitate Christ and extend grace and forgiveness 70 x 7.
I believe people are too easily offended and our rights don't extend nearly as far as people, and I, sometimes think. I believe we should attempt to see other's opinions and reasoning and to try, when possible, to submit to authority and leadership.
I understand there are a words and actions that hurt and times when I'm going to feel those emotions. I understand that there are boundaries which will get trampled and people who will refuse to view them as legitimate.
But I don't believe that "Dying to Myself" is a biblical order for in-authenticity. It is not a call to plaster on a smile and pretend there has been no wrong, nor an order to push down my exasperation for the sake of saving face. It has nothing to do with letting others make every decision or thinking nothing of my own needs.
As I die to my sinful self daily, Matthew writes that if a fellow believer sins against me, then I go to them in private and address it in grace. If that doesn't work, I address it in the company of 2 or 3 trusted believers. And then, after that, I leave it be as if the brother or sister is not a member of the body alongside of me- Dying to myself and turning the other cheek. We're suppose to follow this pattern laid out for reproving wrongs so as not to incur sin for ourselves through harboring vengeance or the bearing of grudges against neighbors (Matthew 18; Leviticus 19:17-18, **paraphrase is mine**).
We die to ourselves as a method of extending love. We die to ourselves as a method of fully accepting our pain, but experiencing freedom from those feelings most fully when we release them at foot of God. We die to ourselves as a form of leaving our sin but living in Jesus.
We die to ourselves because it's a command. A command to live authentically in world where we, where I, passionately pursue the passions of Jesus: people.
And just like that this blog post is done. There's no concise ending that I've been able to come up with, but it is a challenge to myself. And to you. To take back the phrase. To not just say it but to live it, and live it authentically.
Until Next Time,
Rachel