For weeks I've been trying to write this update, to find the words that would express my heart and prayers during this season, but the words seemed awkward. They never adequately expressed what I wanted to relay. Time and time again I'd type something up, read it back, then delete it. Until this morning.
You see, I got pulled over. That probably doesn't seem like a great update to tell everyone, but hang in there with me. I wasn't speeding. There were no other cars around. I was casually talking with a friend from church who was sitting in the passenger seat as we headed out to spend a couple hours catching up on life and new adventures. It was the first time in months we'd had the chance to see each other.
As we chatted, I surveyed the road. There was a yellow light and I had a decision to make. With the distance left between my car and the intersection, I knew if I stopped I would be sitting at a yellow light with cars behind me (probably honking in annoyance- because hey, that's what you do in a city), but if I kept driving, it would undoubtedly turn red while I was crossing. Looking around and seeing no cars at the intersection, I processed this decision out loud and said, "it will probably turn red, but I think I can make it." Here's the part where you don't judge me, because let's be honest, we've all had to make this decision at some point.
Sure enough, the light turned red before I was fully across the street. I heard it before I saw it. The distinct sound of a police siren signalling my car, then the red and blue lights. Around the corner came an officer on a small motorcycle who had been parked on the side of that intersection. "I'm going to get a ticket," was all I said as I pulled the car over.
Now fast forward. I have my license back. The officer is done running my plates and writing on his little clipboard and what not. He walks back over to my window and says, "A warning saves you $142 dollars and whatever sanctions against your license there would be, but can you look out here for me?" I turned my head and looked out the window.
"There's no way. No way a car would have seen you, just look at the intersection. There's buildings on the corners. All a car can see sitting is the side of that building. If they had a green light, they wouldn't have seen you... or you them. They would have gone and hit you; it would have been bad. Someone could have gotten hurt...You may not have seen, but you can't be reckless. We all have to be better. See ya."
And just like that he walked away. No ticket, no anything. Just "See Ya," a warning, and a whole lot of grace. He waved me on and I went about my day, heading to the lunch we'd scheduled weeks before and profusely apologizing to my friend for being dumb and messing up our outing... but those words!
"You may not have seen, but you can't be reckless. We all have to be better."
Yes, the officer was literally talking about driving. Clearly, it would have been better (empty intersection or not) to have waited at the yellow light, seemingly inconveniencing everyone behind me, rather than be reckless- saving a few minutes, but for what cost? Still it stung. How many other aspects of my life do I live recklessly? How often do I, do we, not see the cost? It seems measly when no one is getting hurt...but they could. How often do we weigh the options and chose the path that fits our time frame, rather than waiting for the appropriate moment to move forward?
Ironically, one of my most common meditations during this season of life has been over this exact topic. I could choose a lot of passages to display what I mean, but I've been fixated on the seasons of wilderness. I mean the Israelite's messed up A LOT during the years in the wilderness, but from the time God gave them the pillars of cloud and fire during the exodus from Egypt- they followed it. When they erected the Tabernacle, scripture says the cloud covered the tent of meeting and the Glory of God filled it. And after this happened "throughout all their journeys whenever the cloud was taken up from over the Tabernacle, the sons of Israel would set out; but if the cloud was not taken up, then they did not set out until the day when it was." (Check out Exodus 13-14 and 40 here.)
If the cloud was moving, the Israelite's packed up and followed suit... but if the cloud and the Glory of God was present and stationary, you best believe they were staying put too. That's been the deepest, most sincere prayer I've had during this journey. That I would move not only where the Lord wants me to (hence the 180 degree life change leading me to the Amazon Jungle), but also when AND ONLY WHEN, He wants me to. If He stays, I stay. If He moves, I better be moving too.
Honestly, it's an easier prayer than it is life choice.
There's a lot of yellow lights with God. The waiting isn't fun... and it usually doesn't fit my timeline...but the results, when we wait on the green light that say's go ahead and move forward, are all the more worth it. I mean, not to get too into all the nitty gritty details or anything, but the Tabernacle was basically a really fancy tent. It was a dwelling place for God to be among the people and accept incense and sacrifices. Skip forward a couple dozen generations and about 1400 years (like I said, we're not getting into the exact nitty gritty details) and then Jesus comes. He is the eternal sacrifice, the temple veil is torn, and we the church- the people not the building- become the dwelling of God. So now, with grace for the loose theological phrasing here, rather than following a cloud and refusing to pack up a fancy tent when that cloud is present, I have to listen to the Spirit and decide to wait at yellow lights of my own life.
But that's the thing about yellow lights... and about God. Although I'm sure it's painful to watch, He allows us to exert our free will and coast through the yellow lights even when they're going to turn red. He watches as I pull dumb stunts, with no intention of hurting myself or others, because I want it to be a green light and it just seems easier. He sits and watches as impatience... or immaturity...or complacency...or sometimes a mix of all three, helps guide my decision rather than total dependence on His Spirit. And just like that officer, He renders a gentle warning and extends grace.
Maybe I don't see the people who could get hurt. Intentionally or not, someone always gets caught in the crossfire though. And it's up to me to not be reckless. During this season, I can't be...There's too much at stake. There are too many people who could be around a corner. Too many families who direly need to see lives that extend His love and grace in the midst of agony. Too many precious girls that are depending on a team who waits upon the Lord, rather than rushes through the yellow lights.
It's time that we all start working to be better.
Until Next Time,
Rachel